Thinking in a new way

It's funny how when you look through my posts it goes from complete excitement to despair. I wish I knew why God allowed things like this to happen. I'll make it a point to ask about it when I get there:) I'm having a D & C on Thursday. I'm incredibly thankful that this is happening. I feel like I'll be at a better place once this is completely done.

Today was the first day I could pray without my first words to God being why or how could you do this. I think this blogging is incredibly therapeutic. I know with each day it gets better, it gets a little easier, and hurts a little less. I'm wondering if I'm really recovering or if I'm just covering up. Being back at work has really helped. I don't want to be hiding my emotions but sometimes to get through the day you have to. Yesterday was my first day back and I only cried once during the work day. Today there were no tears until I got in the car and my mom started talking to me about how good God is. I know He's good, I know He's done more for me than I've ever deserved, just right now it's hard to take when someone else says it. I know, that may sound weird and even writing it looks weird but it's hard to take. All of our friends and family have been incredibly supportive and we are so blessed to have such a wonderful church family. Josh has been amazing throughout this situation. He's been so supportive, even when I wonder if he thinks I'm a crazy delirious mess.

It's good to know that we're on the mend I know that is by the grace of God. Here's to more new days!

Starting Over

I think I'm starting to feel better today. In fact I'm perfectly fine as long as I don't think or talk about "it". Josh is making me laugh, which I love:) Some wonderful friends came over and brought us lunch and chatted with us today. I'm doing laundry, I guess thats a good sign:)

We didn't go to church today. I'm not ready to see people and have them tell me they're praying for me. I know they are and reading their e-mails is so encouraging, but any time someone tells me they're praying for me I know why and it just makes me sad. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if I ever will be. I feel better when Josh and I talk about it and I cry about it and then I'm ok. Maybe I just want to keep it as a private thing for now (other than this blog, the venting on the computer helps and maybe it will help someone else). Hopefully someday I'll be able to talk about this and be of help to some one else.

Josh has been AMAZING throughout this whole thing! He lets me cry and holds me and doesn't ask any questions or even talk to me. He just holds me and I think that is great. There's really not much to say, I've already said it all. You can only ask "why" so many times. He tells me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful woman I am and I can never hear that too many times. I'm so thankful for the wonderful man God has blessed me with.

This whole thing has been very hard to cope with, harder than I ever thought, harder than anything I've ever been through. It's very hard to not be angry with God, in fact I am very angry with God and I've shared my feelings with Him. My mom told me today not to be angry with God, but I really don't know how. I know, and every one says, that this all happens for a reason. I even said that to friends and family going through difficult situations. That phrase, "everything happens for a reason" is so not comforting. Maybe it will be comforting, but right now it's not. I know God has everything under control, but right now things feel totally out of control. I feel like God has walked away from me, now I know He hasn't but it sure feels that way. I've been praying for peace and telling God EVERYTHING! I've kept nothing from Him. Maybe that's something I needed to learn and never would have had this situation not happened. I know God is good and that He will give us the desires of our heart, someday.

Just an Update

So we went to the doctor and had an ultrasound today and there was no heartbeat. I guess there's not much to say. I know God has His way of working things out and I guess that's all I have to lean on, that and my husband.

November 11 Update

So, I've been having a completely emotional week this week. I'm a complete wreck! Here's the breakdown:

Last Wednesday (the day we left for our mini vacay to Sedona)
We went to the doctor for the follow up ultrasound. The u/s tech said that the baby's heart rate was still lower than they like to see (92 bpm) and the baby had only grown 2 days worth of growth instead of 5. Josh was there with me and I was completely freaking out on the inside, but I didn't on the outside. I asked what a normal heart rate is and she said over 150. I was 6 weeks 5 days at the time. I saw the nurse practitioner after my u/s and she had nothing really encouraging to say. I broke down when she was talking to me about the possible loss of our peanut. They never really are optimistic I guess. Needless to say, I had a hard time in the beginning of our vacation. Josh helped me to get through it though. He's amazing!

This week Tuesday
I called the doctor's office for the results of my blood work that they took at my Wednesday appointment. The nurse told me "everything looks really good". My progesterone level was good, my "quants" were good. Later that evening I was at the grocery store and noticed I had a voice mail. It was the same nurse practitioner I saw last Wednesday. She said that she noticed I had called about my blood work and there may have been some confusion. My "quants" were not going up like they should be. She wanted to make sure I was feeling ok and to check and see if I was having any cramping or bleeding. I totally felt like she was saying, "well you should be having a miscarriage right about now and I was just checking" I was so incredibly frustrated with the entire situation!! I told God all about it and Josh and my mom on the way home. Sometimes I'm so thankful for the advances we have had in technology and sometimes it's the enemy. I wish the np wouldn't have called. I'm pretty much sure that I'm changing doctors. I just haven't felt comfortable with them since the baginning. There's nothing I can do to fix the levels, why tell me there might be something wrong with your pregnancy but we're not sure?

This situation has completely taught me more about trusting God. Just when I think I've got the whole trusting in God thing down, He stretches me. It's not a comfortable stretch, but I know it's good. I had another breakdown in the car on the way home yesterday. I wish I knew why God allowed these things to happen. Ever since I got married I had prayed for a healthy complication free pregnancy and it's started with complications. I know God has His reasons and I know that I'll come out of this a stronger Christian. At the same time, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of bad news, I'm just tired I suppose.

So, we're believing for a strong heartbeat on Friday of 150 or more. We're believing for a growing baby, a growing baby that shocks the u/s tech and the nurse practitioner. It's all in God's hands and all I can do is stop trying to take it out of His hands and relax and enjoy this time with my baby and husband:) Believe me, I know how good God is. He amazes me everyday!

We did it!!

Well, it's official. Josh and I are going to have a baby!! There's a great story that I have to tell to go with this wonderful news.

We went over to our friends' house the end of September for a birthday party. My friend Tracey and I were chatting and she told me that she had a dream about me. When someone says that it definitely has you wondering. I had no idea what she was about to say. She said that she had a dream and saw me crying in a baby's room. When she said that my heart sank because I didn't know what that meant. Then Tracey asked me if Josh and I were trying to have a baby. We hadn't told anyone that we were trying (or not not trying), so this was absolutely a God thing. I told her that we sort of were. She then said to me something I will never forget, "I just want you to know that God hears you and He will give you the desires of your heart". I went home that night and just cried because I was so grateful to know that God hears me. When someone says something like that to you, it's the best feeling in the world. I know that God hears me all the time, but for someone to know the situation I was in and to have the boldness to tell me is simply awesome! No one has ever told me something like that before. I knew this was genuine.

When I first went off the pill I thought I'd get pregnant right away, but that didn't happen. Each month I wasn't pregnant was a little devastating even though we weren't "trying". I finally took matters into my own hands and bought a basal thermometer and I was going to monitor my temp. to see when I was ovulating. I took my temp. the first day then I thought, we're going to have a baby when God says we are. Keeping track of my temp. isn't going to help anything. I released everything to God that morning. It was a great feeling! That same month, the month of releasing, the month I received the message from God (via Tracey), we got pregnant!

I went to the doctor last Friday and they did some blood work and my progesterone was a little low so they prescribed a supplement. I was a wreck when they told me this. The fear of miscarriage has been in the back of my mind since we got pregnant. I have to keep telling myself to take captive EVERY thought. Even as I write this and share my testimony, I know that God is good and he has blessed us with the sweet little pumpkin of a baby. I know He will provide and keep the baby and I healthy and safe. I've been telling everyone that will listen my story. We are overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony!