A New Day

So, Monday night I just wasn't feeling like myself. Whenever my husband would talk to me or touch me I felt like crying and I did sometimes. It was like I was having a pity party. I knew I was sad, but I wasn't sure what about. Have any of you been there? Please, please tell me I am not crazy to be crying and not know why! In all honesty, I think there were a ton of reasons for me to be crying, but each on it's own was not enough. All of the little reasons kind of ganged up on me and I was a wreck.

While I love Josh dearly, I sort of felt like something was wrong with me. He would say that it wasn't normal for me to be crying and not know why. I kinda felt like I was crazy! He even mentioned medication. That sort of shocked me, I know I'm emotional but that seemed like it was a bit much. I know I'm not crazy and I know that almost every woman has had days where you just want to cry and don't know exactly why, right? So after having my little pity party, I was feeling better yesterday.

I keep thinking that God has to be allowing me to go through these difficult times for a reason. It's like everyday I have to place my trust in Him. I can't just do it once and be done. That's a hard lesson to learn.

Feeling a little down today:(

So today, I'm feeling just not myself, maybe a bit depressed. Have any of you out there ever felt like God has left you? I know He hasn't, but sometimes I feel like it. Last October my husband and I left our previous church to start attending a new church. We love our new church and all of the people, but I have just one little problem. Josh my husband wants to work with the youth, he's been asked a few times by one of the youth pastors. I just don't have that desire, I don't feel the passion to work with the youth. I know that if I do it, I'll be bitter about it and the kids don't deserve that. I guess I kind of feel like I'm at a different place in life. I'd like to be more involved in the praise and worship ministry. I'm not sure what I want to do, I'll have to think on that. There are new things that I want US to do TOGETHER. Maybe that's the problem, it's what I want and maybe not what God wants. When we were at our old church we were very involved with the youth group and I kinda felt the passion dwindling away toward the end. I just want Josh and I to be involved in an area where we both can be a blessing to others and do it together.

Our pastor recently did a series on your spiritual pulse- purpose. Does anyone out there know their purpose? I know that my purpose is to some day be a blessing to my children, but since they are not here yet, what is my purpose?

We are both involved with the praise and worship team, which is nice because most times we're scheduled to be on at the same time. Josh is also involved with cleaning once a month and I bake once or twice a month for the cafe. As soon as Josh mentioned working with the youth, this panic comes over me. I know that youth ministry can be consuming and Josh is not good at saying no. I guess I have to come to the place where I trust that God will help Josh to see when it's too much. Being a supportive wife is so hard sometimes. Especially when you feel bitter, angry, and dare I say jealous.

Baking for my neighbor:)

So yesterday Josh and I went to the grocery store, like we do every Sunday, and I had a coupon to use if I bought 2 brownie mixes. I normally bake every 3rd Sunday for the cafe at church and I thought I could make something with the brownie mixes. When we came home we saw our neighbor leaving his apartment. We said hi and kept going up the stairs, but right when we were about to go in our door he asked me to bake something for his friend that is in town and has 3 boys. While I love baking, it was about 7pm Sunday evening when he made this request and I work during the week so baking is normally a thing for the weekend only. I do love baking and enjoy doing it, especially when I don't have to keep what I've baked (I'll just eat it all!). I told Josh that I would probably just "forget" his request and go about my week. I should probably give you a bit of background on my baking history for this neighbor.

He's an older guy, lives alone, and has a few girlfriends. We've heard a few of their arguments on the balcony. It's like a soap opera, quite entertaining. Last Christmas I thought I would do some baking for our 4 neighbors to be nice and honestly to be a witness to them (and because there are a few I don't like and I thought this would help me to feel better about them). I gave my baking neighbor some cookies and he told me what a great baker I was. Since then, he's asked me a few times to bake him something if he had someone in town. I don't mind doing this for him, when it's convenient for me and I have the ingredients. The last time he asked me to bake him some cookies, I did, and then he ended up getting in a fight with his visitor (one of a few girlfriends) so I don't know what happened to the cookies. I must say I was thankful that he later brought my container back and some flowers. I even got a hug from him. While this may seem a bit creepy, I really think that in my own way I'm showing him the love of Christ.

Back to last night; I was tired, had done 4 loads of laundry and needed to fold them, and had to make dinner, dust and mop. I was in no mood to bake for my neighbor. Then I remembered Pastor Mark's sermon earlier that day. His sermon was on doing something to reach out to our community, neighbors, the people we work with. He had specifically mentioned baking cookies for our neighbors. I remembered the extra brownie mix I had and I had everything to make the brownies and frosting. It wasn't convenient for me and I was tired, but I knew I needed to do this. It wasn't homemade, but it was still baking for my neighbor. I hope to have the opportunity to speak with him about Jesus and maybe my baking is just one way to soften his heart and prepare the way for me to tell him about Jesus. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways and maybe my baking is just that.

Desperately Desiring.......

So these past few weeks I've been desperately desiring a baby. When Josh and I first got married, I wasn't that interested in having a baby. In fact, I thought that I'd be okay if we never had one. So, nearly 3 years later I feel this incredible desire to have a baby. Throughout our marriage Josh and I have never had this desire at the same time, so it worked out for us to wait. Now, I just want one so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I look at baby stuff online when I have spare moments, I dream about having a baby, about being pregnant and feeling the little movements within me. I know it won't be easy once the baby is here, definitely not as easy as things are now and that makes it hard too. Josh isn't as enthusiastic about it as I am. He's definitely worried about the financial aspect. I am too, but I guess I'm not that worried.

I also have this incredible desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that if I had a baby today we wouldn't be able to do that. I have reminded God a number of times of this desire, my heart's desire. I want to be able to enjoy that special time with my child and to be a blessing to the baby and my husband that I wonder if I could be if I had to work at my current job. I wonder if I'd be crying and distracted if I had to have a normal job and not the special job I feel called to at home. It's like this yearning and purpose that I feel I need to do by staying home with our children. Our pastor had done a series at church about finding our purpose and I told Josh that I really felt my purpose was to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know it might sound weird, but I know in my heart that it's true. The kicker in all this is for Josh and I to have enough faith in God and trust Him that His will will be done and not mine. At this point I want a baby so bad that if I have to work, I guess I'll figure it out. But then I wonder if I'm doubting God when I think that way. It's like I've already determined in my heart that He'll provide a way, then I sort of give myself a way out of trusting Him. God has never let me down, and I know He never will, so why do I doubt the plan that I feel He has placed in my heart?

I'm sure Josh and I will never feel 100% ready for a child. I don't think anyone ever does. We've had friends tell us that if we wait until we're financially ready, we'll never have kids. I just want to do the right thing and it seems like trusting God with all that I am is the only way to have peace. I guess that's what I'll do.