My First Thanksgiving- cooking that is

I thought I should say a little something about my first Thanksgiving. By my first Thanksgiving I mean my first time cooking and entertaining the family. We originally were only going to cook the turkey, but because Josh's mom got sick we ended up cooking quite a bit. Overall it turned out pretty good. We had both families at our house and I was worried about Josh's 83 year old grandpa getting around and having a comfortable place to sit. There wasn't anything for me to worry about, everything turned out really good. There was one person who was invited and had quite the opinion on everything and just irritated me, but as long as I avoided this person and/or stayed positive I was fine. Josh grilled the turkey on the grill. He has a picture on his phone that I'll have to post. It was beautiful! I'm surprised that it fit on the grill because it was 23lbs. I think after this experience, that I'll give it a try again. It kinda helped that it was a last minute change and I wasn't able to think about it for weeks and try to figure everything out.

Josh was awesome! Can I just say that I have an amazing husband, he makes me so happy and when I'm feeling overwhelmed he says just the right thing to make me feel better. I love him so much and I've come to love him even more because of his support during our miscarriage. He has become such a wonderful spiritual leader in our home.

On a bit of a sad note, our friends Jake and Rachel are leaving tomorrow to move to Portland. I will miss them so much. They have helped Josh and I to feel so welcome in their home and we've grown so attached to them. I hate to see them go, but I know that God has called them to Portland and so they must go. I've been praying for our "Portland Friends" to have provision, wisdom, health, and direction in their new journey. I can't wait to hear all the wonderful things that God is going to do in their lives. I know Josh will really miss hanging out with Jake. I was kinda surprised how quickly they became friends, but I had been praying for great friends for Josh and I. I know that God will bring new great friends into our lives, but at the same time there is sadness as the Goras leave. We love you and will miss you Jake, Rachel, and Isreal. You mean so much to us and we have been so blessed by your friendship!

Giving Thanks

This year Thanksgiving was a bit rough as I'm sure you can imagine. I had a hard heart at first I guess you could say. All I was thinking was that this was supposed to be a happy time for us, a time to enjoy our families and be reminded that this would be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I was reminded a lot of our miscarriage this weekend. I love Thanksgiving and being with family, but at the same time it was hard. No one said anything about "it", but I know it was on their minds and hearts. My mom and I went shopping at Kohl's on black Friday and as we waited in an hour long line to check out we passed by the baby section ever so slowly. Normally, even if I wasn't pregnant, she would look lovingly at the small clothes and cute outfits and tell me what she would buy for "her baby". This time as we passed the baby section, she didn't say a word. I don't think she even looked at the clothes unless it was when I wasn't paying attention. I know we were both thinking how nice it would be to purchase baby items and look at the cute clothes knowing we'd be having a baby in June. God had different plans for us. Josh mentioned to me the other day that maybe we were allowed to be pregnant for that short time so we would know without a doubt that it was not time for us to go to Portland. If that was the case, I wish He would have found a better way to tell us but I know He ultimately has better things in store for us.

I've read many blogs and researched miscarriages a lot over the past few weeks. I've read about so many women and the hurt they go through. I remember reading about a woman who became very bitter when she would see other pregnant women or women with newborns. I had thought and prayed that I wouldn't be that way. When our friends Jake and Rachel first came over after our diagnosis I was nervous to see how I'd be with their new baby. As soon as I saw her I knew that I would never be bitter or jealous. She is such a sweet baby and I feel so special that I've been able to hold her and see her smile. In a way, I feel a sense of relief. I know that must sound awful, but I wonder if our baby would have been born with special needs or disabilities that would have been very difficult to handle. I wonder if maybe we just weren't ready. It's my heart's desire to not only be a mom but to be a stay-at-home mom and maybe things weren't going to work out for that to happen. I don't know the reason God has and honestly there is no reason that would have comforted me then. I'm amazed at how quickly I've been able to talk about it without crying and how good I feel. I'm absolutely scared for our next pregnancy but I'm open to the idea. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had told God that this child was His and I can't go back on that. I placed our little peanut in His hands and there's no better place for him to be. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for all of the prayers, words of encouragement and sweet letters/e-mails we've received. I truly believe that it is because you all cared to much for us that we're able to get through this and be more than conquerers. I know God loves us and I'm placing my life in His hands.

Thinking in a new way

It's funny how when you look through my posts it goes from complete excitement to despair. I wish I knew why God allowed things like this to happen. I'll make it a point to ask about it when I get there:) I'm having a D & C on Thursday. I'm incredibly thankful that this is happening. I feel like I'll be at a better place once this is completely done.

Today was the first day I could pray without my first words to God being why or how could you do this. I think this blogging is incredibly therapeutic. I know with each day it gets better, it gets a little easier, and hurts a little less. I'm wondering if I'm really recovering or if I'm just covering up. Being back at work has really helped. I don't want to be hiding my emotions but sometimes to get through the day you have to. Yesterday was my first day back and I only cried once during the work day. Today there were no tears until I got in the car and my mom started talking to me about how good God is. I know He's good, I know He's done more for me than I've ever deserved, just right now it's hard to take when someone else says it. I know, that may sound weird and even writing it looks weird but it's hard to take. All of our friends and family have been incredibly supportive and we are so blessed to have such a wonderful church family. Josh has been amazing throughout this situation. He's been so supportive, even when I wonder if he thinks I'm a crazy delirious mess.

It's good to know that we're on the mend I know that is by the grace of God. Here's to more new days!

Starting Over

I think I'm starting to feel better today. In fact I'm perfectly fine as long as I don't think or talk about "it". Josh is making me laugh, which I love:) Some wonderful friends came over and brought us lunch and chatted with us today. I'm doing laundry, I guess thats a good sign:)

We didn't go to church today. I'm not ready to see people and have them tell me they're praying for me. I know they are and reading their e-mails is so encouraging, but any time someone tells me they're praying for me I know why and it just makes me sad. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if I ever will be. I feel better when Josh and I talk about it and I cry about it and then I'm ok. Maybe I just want to keep it as a private thing for now (other than this blog, the venting on the computer helps and maybe it will help someone else). Hopefully someday I'll be able to talk about this and be of help to some one else.

Josh has been AMAZING throughout this whole thing! He lets me cry and holds me and doesn't ask any questions or even talk to me. He just holds me and I think that is great. There's really not much to say, I've already said it all. You can only ask "why" so many times. He tells me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful woman I am and I can never hear that too many times. I'm so thankful for the wonderful man God has blessed me with.

This whole thing has been very hard to cope with, harder than I ever thought, harder than anything I've ever been through. It's very hard to not be angry with God, in fact I am very angry with God and I've shared my feelings with Him. My mom told me today not to be angry with God, but I really don't know how. I know, and every one says, that this all happens for a reason. I even said that to friends and family going through difficult situations. That phrase, "everything happens for a reason" is so not comforting. Maybe it will be comforting, but right now it's not. I know God has everything under control, but right now things feel totally out of control. I feel like God has walked away from me, now I know He hasn't but it sure feels that way. I've been praying for peace and telling God EVERYTHING! I've kept nothing from Him. Maybe that's something I needed to learn and never would have had this situation not happened. I know God is good and that He will give us the desires of our heart, someday.

Just an Update

So we went to the doctor and had an ultrasound today and there was no heartbeat. I guess there's not much to say. I know God has His way of working things out and I guess that's all I have to lean on, that and my husband.

November 11 Update

So, I've been having a completely emotional week this week. I'm a complete wreck! Here's the breakdown:

Last Wednesday (the day we left for our mini vacay to Sedona)
We went to the doctor for the follow up ultrasound. The u/s tech said that the baby's heart rate was still lower than they like to see (92 bpm) and the baby had only grown 2 days worth of growth instead of 5. Josh was there with me and I was completely freaking out on the inside, but I didn't on the outside. I asked what a normal heart rate is and she said over 150. I was 6 weeks 5 days at the time. I saw the nurse practitioner after my u/s and she had nothing really encouraging to say. I broke down when she was talking to me about the possible loss of our peanut. They never really are optimistic I guess. Needless to say, I had a hard time in the beginning of our vacation. Josh helped me to get through it though. He's amazing!

This week Tuesday
I called the doctor's office for the results of my blood work that they took at my Wednesday appointment. The nurse told me "everything looks really good". My progesterone level was good, my "quants" were good. Later that evening I was at the grocery store and noticed I had a voice mail. It was the same nurse practitioner I saw last Wednesday. She said that she noticed I had called about my blood work and there may have been some confusion. My "quants" were not going up like they should be. She wanted to make sure I was feeling ok and to check and see if I was having any cramping or bleeding. I totally felt like she was saying, "well you should be having a miscarriage right about now and I was just checking" I was so incredibly frustrated with the entire situation!! I told God all about it and Josh and my mom on the way home. Sometimes I'm so thankful for the advances we have had in technology and sometimes it's the enemy. I wish the np wouldn't have called. I'm pretty much sure that I'm changing doctors. I just haven't felt comfortable with them since the baginning. There's nothing I can do to fix the levels, why tell me there might be something wrong with your pregnancy but we're not sure?

This situation has completely taught me more about trusting God. Just when I think I've got the whole trusting in God thing down, He stretches me. It's not a comfortable stretch, but I know it's good. I had another breakdown in the car on the way home yesterday. I wish I knew why God allowed these things to happen. Ever since I got married I had prayed for a healthy complication free pregnancy and it's started with complications. I know God has His reasons and I know that I'll come out of this a stronger Christian. At the same time, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of bad news, I'm just tired I suppose.

So, we're believing for a strong heartbeat on Friday of 150 or more. We're believing for a growing baby, a growing baby that shocks the u/s tech and the nurse practitioner. It's all in God's hands and all I can do is stop trying to take it out of His hands and relax and enjoy this time with my baby and husband:) Believe me, I know how good God is. He amazes me everyday!