Desperately Desiring.......

So these past few weeks I've been desperately desiring a baby. When Josh and I first got married, I wasn't that interested in having a baby. In fact, I thought that I'd be okay if we never had one. So, nearly 3 years later I feel this incredible desire to have a baby. Throughout our marriage Josh and I have never had this desire at the same time, so it worked out for us to wait. Now, I just want one so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I look at baby stuff online when I have spare moments, I dream about having a baby, about being pregnant and feeling the little movements within me. I know it won't be easy once the baby is here, definitely not as easy as things are now and that makes it hard too. Josh isn't as enthusiastic about it as I am. He's definitely worried about the financial aspect. I am too, but I guess I'm not that worried.

I also have this incredible desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that if I had a baby today we wouldn't be able to do that. I have reminded God a number of times of this desire, my heart's desire. I want to be able to enjoy that special time with my child and to be a blessing to the baby and my husband that I wonder if I could be if I had to work at my current job. I wonder if I'd be crying and distracted if I had to have a normal job and not the special job I feel called to at home. It's like this yearning and purpose that I feel I need to do by staying home with our children. Our pastor had done a series at church about finding our purpose and I told Josh that I really felt my purpose was to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know it might sound weird, but I know in my heart that it's true. The kicker in all this is for Josh and I to have enough faith in God and trust Him that His will will be done and not mine. At this point I want a baby so bad that if I have to work, I guess I'll figure it out. But then I wonder if I'm doubting God when I think that way. It's like I've already determined in my heart that He'll provide a way, then I sort of give myself a way out of trusting Him. God has never let me down, and I know He never will, so why do I doubt the plan that I feel He has placed in my heart?

I'm sure Josh and I will never feel 100% ready for a child. I don't think anyone ever does. We've had friends tell us that if we wait until we're financially ready, we'll never have kids. I just want to do the right thing and it seems like trusting God with all that I am is the only way to have peace. I guess that's what I'll do.