What a Wonderful Christmas

Well, Josh and I had a truly wonderful Christmas! God is so good!!

This year I was determined to create some traditions of our own. I wanted to make homemade cinnamon rolls, but they ended up being "semi-homemade". I used puff pastry instead of making my own dough. I didn't have much time Christmas Eve to get the dough taken care of. We went to church on Christmas Eve and then went to my parents' house to open gifts. We normally don't open gifts on Christmas Eve, but we did this year because my mom was inviting other people over for Christmas dinner. I was so excited to get a new digital camera. I've been wanting one for some time, but holding out because I didn't want to spend the money on it:) We both got some other great gifts. I love watching other people open gifts and taking pictures of them!

Christmas day we started off by opening our gifts to each other and then we took my wonderful cinnamon rolls over to Josh's parents' house. We opened gifts there with Josh's family and it was so much fun. At the Harris house, there are so many gifts and we hardly all fit in the room but I love that. I had such a great time hanging out with them and watching everyone open their gifts. I love that there are a lot of people in a small space enjoying each other. It's different than opening gifts at my parents' house. Not better, just different. I told my mother-in-law that I had such a great time with them. I know that God is helping to love Josh's family more and more. It's hard when you get married and then you have to share your time between two families or sometimes more. I told Josh a few weeks ago that if we have a baby next year I didn't want to go to each family's house and open gifts, but now I'm thinking twice about that. I want our child to experience two different "types" of Christmas. I say that now, but who knows, when we have a baby I may want to just stay home!

We've had so many people say to us that 2010 is going to be a year of growth for our family and I'm standing on that! I want to see my family grow. I want there to be a healthy baby with us next Christmas! I know and I pray that we will be blessed with a little Josh or Michelle in God's time. I know that ultimately He knows what is best for us. I've come to realize that His plan is definitely not always my plan, but I'm waiting on Him and leaning on Him. I remember praying when we first got married that He would place the desire to have children on my heart when the time was right for us. I have the desire to be a mom and I know that Josh has the desire to be a dad. I'm looking forward to 2010!

It's Almost Christmas

So, I'm very excited about Christmas. It is my favorite holiday and not just because there are presents, although I love presents:) I love the smells of Christmas, the baking of Christmas, spending time with family and time away from work. I'm most of all excited because my grandparents are coming to visit tomorrow. They are going to be here for 3 weeks and I just love that they are going to be here. I know they are in their 80s and so they are don't want to do as much stuff as we do but I love that they are coming to town. I know Josh isn't as excited as I am because we end up spending most of the time that they are here at my parent's house and he gets bored easily. We're going to make tamales when the grandparents get here and my grandma will make my favorite cake (vanilla wafer cake) and my not so favorite cake (fruit cake). I know, it seems to always revolve around food but you can't help that at Christmas time:)

This Christmas I've come to realize that I love my family more than I have ever loved them before. I know that going through a difficult time can bring everyone closer together. I pray every morning before I go to work and as I was praying this morning I found myself thanking the Lord for my wonderful husband. Now, I try to pray the Matthew 6:9-13 way (Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.....), but sometimes that's hard. I get a ahead of myself and start thanking in the beginning and asking for stuff right away. I know He hears our prayers no matter how we pray, but I try to pray the way He said to. Anyway, I know that this Christmas I love my husband more than I ever thought I would when we got married. He is the only man that could put up with me, other than God:) Out of all the men on the earth, God blessed me with Josh.

When we first started dating I knew in the back of my mind that he would be the one, but I didn't let myself actively think about that. He says he knew right away that he could see us spending forever together. Our romance was a whirlwind romance. We started dating in November and we got married the following July. That whole year preceding the November when we started dating, I had prayed that this would be the year that I would meet my soul mate and future husband. I had even told God that I didn't have to know he was the one by the end of the year, I just wanted to meet him and know that he was out there. I remember letting the dog out every night and looking up at the sky and praying that prayer. Of course I had to wait until almost the end of the year to meet Josh, but I prayed it every night and I reminded God that the year was coming to end:) The situation for us to start dating was all wrong. When we started liking each other and talking on the phone he was dating someone else and she was not a Christian. I remember one phone call, and I just knew that he was going to ask me if he should break up with his girlfriend. I told him that I couldn't answer that question. Of course my answer was to break up with her, but I couldn't tell him that. He ended up breaking up with her on a Wednesday and that next Monday we were together. I so did not want to be the re-bound girl, but I was. I also did not want to be the first one to say I love you, but I was. I thought my parents would be skeptical of our quick moving romance, but they weren't. They were so happy when he asked for my hand in marriage:)

Now here we are 3 1/2 years later. I thought I loved Josh so much back when we were dating, but I love him so much more now. I'm more in love with him than I ever thought I'd be. We've become accustomed to having in-laws, lived with a crazy roommate, had some crazy "heated arguments", lived in 3 different apartments, bought a car, bought a house, and shared so many wonderful experiences together. Josh has become a wonderful spiritual leader, he is there to support me, he has become more loving and he is not a very "touchy" person, I can see the growth in his relationship with Christ and that's probably most important. I know it's only going to get better and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Love ya sweet thang!

Feeling a bit down today.....

Well, I'm going to try and not be too depressing but on the other hand I need to vent. Just a note to those who read this, it may be depressing and sad.....

Lately, well mostly today, I've been feeling sad. I know that it's totally normal to feel depressed and sad during the holiday season; Chrismas Blues or something. I normally am not sad at all at this time, which is why it's weird that I'm sad. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed though. I love all the Christmas songs, buying presents for loved ones, giving to the Salvation Army bell dinger, decorating the house, and all the great food that comes with Christmas. I love to look back at the year and see just how much God has blessed us and we are truly blessed, so it feels wrong to be sad. Not to mention that it feels like I have a huge lump in my throat and I feel like I might be getting sick.

We have a Christmas party that we're going to tomorrow and I love parties, I love baking for the parties and our neighbors:) I could sit and write a list of the reasons I have to be sad, but most of you would know why I might be feeling a bit down. I am staying strong in my faith and trusting that God has placed Josh and I where we are for a reason. He has blessed us with the house we have for a reason and placed us with the church family we have for a reason. He has allowed us to go through the most difficult time of our lives and our marriage for a reason and brought us through it with flying colors. Although the thought of being pregnant again scares me more than I ever thought it would, I'm leaving it all in God's hands. I've learned that all of the things I thought I was totally in control of are actually out of my hands completely. I've learned in a deeper way what it means to trust God. These are all good things and things that should make me happy, but I don't feel overly happy and believe me I'm trying.

My grandparents are coming into town next week, so I'm very excited to see them. I really wish we lived closer to my extended family. I would love to move back to Texas, but God would have to talk to Josh about that:) I would love to move to Portland to be near our friends, but we haven't heard from God on that. There are a few places I'd like to move, but I think the lesson I need to learn is to be content where I am. I'm continually amazed at the man God has blessed me with. Everyday, I find I'm more and more in love with him. So, I'll go where he goes and I know God will lead and direct him as the spiritual leader of our home and that makes me happy:)

Till next time.

My First Thanksgiving- cooking that is

I thought I should say a little something about my first Thanksgiving. By my first Thanksgiving I mean my first time cooking and entertaining the family. We originally were only going to cook the turkey, but because Josh's mom got sick we ended up cooking quite a bit. Overall it turned out pretty good. We had both families at our house and I was worried about Josh's 83 year old grandpa getting around and having a comfortable place to sit. There wasn't anything for me to worry about, everything turned out really good. There was one person who was invited and had quite the opinion on everything and just irritated me, but as long as I avoided this person and/or stayed positive I was fine. Josh grilled the turkey on the grill. He has a picture on his phone that I'll have to post. It was beautiful! I'm surprised that it fit on the grill because it was 23lbs. I think after this experience, that I'll give it a try again. It kinda helped that it was a last minute change and I wasn't able to think about it for weeks and try to figure everything out.

Josh was awesome! Can I just say that I have an amazing husband, he makes me so happy and when I'm feeling overwhelmed he says just the right thing to make me feel better. I love him so much and I've come to love him even more because of his support during our miscarriage. He has become such a wonderful spiritual leader in our home.

On a bit of a sad note, our friends Jake and Rachel are leaving tomorrow to move to Portland. I will miss them so much. They have helped Josh and I to feel so welcome in their home and we've grown so attached to them. I hate to see them go, but I know that God has called them to Portland and so they must go. I've been praying for our "Portland Friends" to have provision, wisdom, health, and direction in their new journey. I can't wait to hear all the wonderful things that God is going to do in their lives. I know Josh will really miss hanging out with Jake. I was kinda surprised how quickly they became friends, but I had been praying for great friends for Josh and I. I know that God will bring new great friends into our lives, but at the same time there is sadness as the Goras leave. We love you and will miss you Jake, Rachel, and Isreal. You mean so much to us and we have been so blessed by your friendship!

Giving Thanks

This year Thanksgiving was a bit rough as I'm sure you can imagine. I had a hard heart at first I guess you could say. All I was thinking was that this was supposed to be a happy time for us, a time to enjoy our families and be reminded that this would be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I was reminded a lot of our miscarriage this weekend. I love Thanksgiving and being with family, but at the same time it was hard. No one said anything about "it", but I know it was on their minds and hearts. My mom and I went shopping at Kohl's on black Friday and as we waited in an hour long line to check out we passed by the baby section ever so slowly. Normally, even if I wasn't pregnant, she would look lovingly at the small clothes and cute outfits and tell me what she would buy for "her baby". This time as we passed the baby section, she didn't say a word. I don't think she even looked at the clothes unless it was when I wasn't paying attention. I know we were both thinking how nice it would be to purchase baby items and look at the cute clothes knowing we'd be having a baby in June. God had different plans for us. Josh mentioned to me the other day that maybe we were allowed to be pregnant for that short time so we would know without a doubt that it was not time for us to go to Portland. If that was the case, I wish He would have found a better way to tell us but I know He ultimately has better things in store for us.

I've read many blogs and researched miscarriages a lot over the past few weeks. I've read about so many women and the hurt they go through. I remember reading about a woman who became very bitter when she would see other pregnant women or women with newborns. I had thought and prayed that I wouldn't be that way. When our friends Jake and Rachel first came over after our diagnosis I was nervous to see how I'd be with their new baby. As soon as I saw her I knew that I would never be bitter or jealous. She is such a sweet baby and I feel so special that I've been able to hold her and see her smile. In a way, I feel a sense of relief. I know that must sound awful, but I wonder if our baby would have been born with special needs or disabilities that would have been very difficult to handle. I wonder if maybe we just weren't ready. It's my heart's desire to not only be a mom but to be a stay-at-home mom and maybe things weren't going to work out for that to happen. I don't know the reason God has and honestly there is no reason that would have comforted me then. I'm amazed at how quickly I've been able to talk about it without crying and how good I feel. I'm absolutely scared for our next pregnancy but I'm open to the idea. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had told God that this child was His and I can't go back on that. I placed our little peanut in His hands and there's no better place for him to be. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for all of the prayers, words of encouragement and sweet letters/e-mails we've received. I truly believe that it is because you all cared to much for us that we're able to get through this and be more than conquerers. I know God loves us and I'm placing my life in His hands.

Thinking in a new way

It's funny how when you look through my posts it goes from complete excitement to despair. I wish I knew why God allowed things like this to happen. I'll make it a point to ask about it when I get there:) I'm having a D & C on Thursday. I'm incredibly thankful that this is happening. I feel like I'll be at a better place once this is completely done.

Today was the first day I could pray without my first words to God being why or how could you do this. I think this blogging is incredibly therapeutic. I know with each day it gets better, it gets a little easier, and hurts a little less. I'm wondering if I'm really recovering or if I'm just covering up. Being back at work has really helped. I don't want to be hiding my emotions but sometimes to get through the day you have to. Yesterday was my first day back and I only cried once during the work day. Today there were no tears until I got in the car and my mom started talking to me about how good God is. I know He's good, I know He's done more for me than I've ever deserved, just right now it's hard to take when someone else says it. I know, that may sound weird and even writing it looks weird but it's hard to take. All of our friends and family have been incredibly supportive and we are so blessed to have such a wonderful church family. Josh has been amazing throughout this situation. He's been so supportive, even when I wonder if he thinks I'm a crazy delirious mess.

It's good to know that we're on the mend I know that is by the grace of God. Here's to more new days!

Starting Over

I think I'm starting to feel better today. In fact I'm perfectly fine as long as I don't think or talk about "it". Josh is making me laugh, which I love:) Some wonderful friends came over and brought us lunch and chatted with us today. I'm doing laundry, I guess thats a good sign:)

We didn't go to church today. I'm not ready to see people and have them tell me they're praying for me. I know they are and reading their e-mails is so encouraging, but any time someone tells me they're praying for me I know why and it just makes me sad. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if I ever will be. I feel better when Josh and I talk about it and I cry about it and then I'm ok. Maybe I just want to keep it as a private thing for now (other than this blog, the venting on the computer helps and maybe it will help someone else). Hopefully someday I'll be able to talk about this and be of help to some one else.

Josh has been AMAZING throughout this whole thing! He lets me cry and holds me and doesn't ask any questions or even talk to me. He just holds me and I think that is great. There's really not much to say, I've already said it all. You can only ask "why" so many times. He tells me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful woman I am and I can never hear that too many times. I'm so thankful for the wonderful man God has blessed me with.

This whole thing has been very hard to cope with, harder than I ever thought, harder than anything I've ever been through. It's very hard to not be angry with God, in fact I am very angry with God and I've shared my feelings with Him. My mom told me today not to be angry with God, but I really don't know how. I know, and every one says, that this all happens for a reason. I even said that to friends and family going through difficult situations. That phrase, "everything happens for a reason" is so not comforting. Maybe it will be comforting, but right now it's not. I know God has everything under control, but right now things feel totally out of control. I feel like God has walked away from me, now I know He hasn't but it sure feels that way. I've been praying for peace and telling God EVERYTHING! I've kept nothing from Him. Maybe that's something I needed to learn and never would have had this situation not happened. I know God is good and that He will give us the desires of our heart, someday.

Just an Update

So we went to the doctor and had an ultrasound today and there was no heartbeat. I guess there's not much to say. I know God has His way of working things out and I guess that's all I have to lean on, that and my husband.

November 11 Update

So, I've been having a completely emotional week this week. I'm a complete wreck! Here's the breakdown:

Last Wednesday (the day we left for our mini vacay to Sedona)
We went to the doctor for the follow up ultrasound. The u/s tech said that the baby's heart rate was still lower than they like to see (92 bpm) and the baby had only grown 2 days worth of growth instead of 5. Josh was there with me and I was completely freaking out on the inside, but I didn't on the outside. I asked what a normal heart rate is and she said over 150. I was 6 weeks 5 days at the time. I saw the nurse practitioner after my u/s and she had nothing really encouraging to say. I broke down when she was talking to me about the possible loss of our peanut. They never really are optimistic I guess. Needless to say, I had a hard time in the beginning of our vacation. Josh helped me to get through it though. He's amazing!

This week Tuesday
I called the doctor's office for the results of my blood work that they took at my Wednesday appointment. The nurse told me "everything looks really good". My progesterone level was good, my "quants" were good. Later that evening I was at the grocery store and noticed I had a voice mail. It was the same nurse practitioner I saw last Wednesday. She said that she noticed I had called about my blood work and there may have been some confusion. My "quants" were not going up like they should be. She wanted to make sure I was feeling ok and to check and see if I was having any cramping or bleeding. I totally felt like she was saying, "well you should be having a miscarriage right about now and I was just checking" I was so incredibly frustrated with the entire situation!! I told God all about it and Josh and my mom on the way home. Sometimes I'm so thankful for the advances we have had in technology and sometimes it's the enemy. I wish the np wouldn't have called. I'm pretty much sure that I'm changing doctors. I just haven't felt comfortable with them since the baginning. There's nothing I can do to fix the levels, why tell me there might be something wrong with your pregnancy but we're not sure?

This situation has completely taught me more about trusting God. Just when I think I've got the whole trusting in God thing down, He stretches me. It's not a comfortable stretch, but I know it's good. I had another breakdown in the car on the way home yesterday. I wish I knew why God allowed these things to happen. Ever since I got married I had prayed for a healthy complication free pregnancy and it's started with complications. I know God has His reasons and I know that I'll come out of this a stronger Christian. At the same time, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of bad news, I'm just tired I suppose.

So, we're believing for a strong heartbeat on Friday of 150 or more. We're believing for a growing baby, a growing baby that shocks the u/s tech and the nurse practitioner. It's all in God's hands and all I can do is stop trying to take it out of His hands and relax and enjoy this time with my baby and husband:) Believe me, I know how good God is. He amazes me everyday!

We did it!!

Well, it's official. Josh and I are going to have a baby!! There's a great story that I have to tell to go with this wonderful news.

We went over to our friends' house the end of September for a birthday party. My friend Tracey and I were chatting and she told me that she had a dream about me. When someone says that it definitely has you wondering. I had no idea what she was about to say. She said that she had a dream and saw me crying in a baby's room. When she said that my heart sank because I didn't know what that meant. Then Tracey asked me if Josh and I were trying to have a baby. We hadn't told anyone that we were trying (or not not trying), so this was absolutely a God thing. I told her that we sort of were. She then said to me something I will never forget, "I just want you to know that God hears you and He will give you the desires of your heart". I went home that night and just cried because I was so grateful to know that God hears me. When someone says something like that to you, it's the best feeling in the world. I know that God hears me all the time, but for someone to know the situation I was in and to have the boldness to tell me is simply awesome! No one has ever told me something like that before. I knew this was genuine.

When I first went off the pill I thought I'd get pregnant right away, but that didn't happen. Each month I wasn't pregnant was a little devastating even though we weren't "trying". I finally took matters into my own hands and bought a basal thermometer and I was going to monitor my temp. to see when I was ovulating. I took my temp. the first day then I thought, we're going to have a baby when God says we are. Keeping track of my temp. isn't going to help anything. I released everything to God that morning. It was a great feeling! That same month, the month of releasing, the month I received the message from God (via Tracey), we got pregnant!

I went to the doctor last Friday and they did some blood work and my progesterone was a little low so they prescribed a supplement. I was a wreck when they told me this. The fear of miscarriage has been in the back of my mind since we got pregnant. I have to keep telling myself to take captive EVERY thought. Even as I write this and share my testimony, I know that God is good and he has blessed us with the sweet little pumpkin of a baby. I know He will provide and keep the baby and I healthy and safe. I've been telling everyone that will listen my story. We are overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony!

Goodbye Segers:(

So today my friends, the Segers, left for their journey to Portland. They had felt for some time that they were called to do a church plant, but today is the day the left to actually do it. While I am so very excited for them and for all that God is going to do, I so wish we could have had more time with them. I finally had to log off Facebook so it would stop reminding me of them leaving. I'm having a SUPER hard time with this. There's moments where I'm perfectly fine, but then I lose it. It's everything I can do to not be a puddle of tears at my desk (it doesn't help that my Pandora keeps playing sad and weepy songs)! Now when they read this I don't want them to feel bad, but I want them to know that they have made an impact on our lives that we were never prepared for. They became some of our best friends in a matter of months, weeks probably. We never expected to make such wonderful friends so quickly at a new church where we knew very few people.

I might have already said this, but Josh and I had been praying for good "couple" friends and just good friends in general when we left our last church. God has blessed us with some wonderful friends since being at DSC and the few that we are closest to are moving to Portland. I guess that means we gotta go too, huh? We're ready and willing when God leads us! Even though I wasn't ready to say good-bye I know that God has placed this wonderful family in our lives for this season and now it's time for them to move on. I so wish we could "move on" with them and when/if God leads us we will go. We're praying for safety, provision in every way, wisdom, direction, health and anything else they need. God has truly blessed the city of Portland!! We love you Segers!!

Facebook Update

So this week my Facebook update was

"Just when I think I can grasp how good God is He goes and does something amazing and I'm left in awe...."

I really have no other way to describe how good God is! He is awesome and loves me so much; more than I can fathom. Who deserves a love like that? We do!!

My husband and I are on for worship team this week and I've been listening to the songs at work and even though I'm working I'm brought to tears when I sing along to the songs. The Desert Song has really been getting me today.

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I'll so
I have a reason to worship

The part about "in every season" has really ministered to me. No matter where in life I am, married, single, a parent, empty nesting, God is still God. We face trials everyday. There are so many things that come against us, but we need to place our hope and our faith in God. I know, it's so much easier said than done. Believe me I'm writing to myself:)

Selfish.....

After this weekend I totally admit that I need to work on being less selfish. I have always struggled with this, even as a child. I know, most children are selfish but it never wore off and I'm now a selfish adult. When Josh and I first got married I used to tell people that I didn't want to have children just yet because I'm too selfish. It's terrible! My husband is so not selfish. If anyone asked him to do something, and it was within his power to do it, he would. Maybe that's why God put us together.

Situation #1-
My MIL calls Josh and tells her about her computer and her friend's computer having a virus. For whatever reason they did not have active anti-virus software on their computer. First of all, I often get irritated when my MIL calls Josh- period. I don't know why, I do know that it has to be the devil encouraging me to get irritated. She rarely calls because she needs something, but when she does I can't stand it! I have to literally pray out loud to myself to keep from getting irate. I know I'm being selfish in this situation. I want Josh all to myself and if his mom would just stop needing him that would be great! I feel like, she has a husband, can't he help her? I know Josh knows more about computers and they probably can't take care of it on their own. I pray that God would help me to love my husband's family like He loves them. They always feel like the "others" to me. I feel like they will never be really be MY family. My MIL never calls me to talk to me and I know I could and probably should call her, but it would just be nice for her to be the one to reach out. We live about 17 miles away from them and we see them maybe once a month. I told Josh the other day, I wondered why his parents never invite us over for dinner or to do something with them. I know we're busy and it's hard to fit things in our schedule, but I would love to spend more time with them. I think I need it to get over my "others" feeling.

Situation #2
We started going to Desert Springs Church about a year ago and have since made some wonderful friends. There's about 5 people in particular that we have connected with and we found out a few months ago that they are ALL moving to Portland. Here's the selfish part; I wish they wouldn't go so they could stay here and keep being friends with us we could still hang out all the time. I know they have been called to Portland so it's hard to pray, "Lord please don't let them move and please let them stay right here with ME"! Initially we wanted to feel called to Portland too, but God has said no at least for now. Part of me wants to spend as much time as possible with them because I want to soak up as much as possible while they are here and part of me is preparing myself for when they leave. Before we even started going to DSC we had been praying for some great Christian friends. Josh had friends and I had friends, but we didn't have friends together. I just love these wonderful people! They have helped me to become more selfLESS. I know I will be sad when they leave, but I also know that they are only doing what God has called them to do. I now pray for them to have provision in every area, whether it's a job, housing, church location or anything else they may need. I not only want them to succeed, I want them to flourish! They have been such a blessing to Josh and I and I know they will be a blessing to so many other people.

So, the whole point of this posting is that God has really been working with me becoming less selfish and more selfless. It's a daily and sometimes hourly process, but I'm making it!

One of those Days.....

So, this weekend I was having one of those days. I woke up in a bad mood both Saturday and Sunday. Now, I wasn't in a bad mood with everyone just one person in particular. Yep, you guessed it- Josh. I know, poor Josh had to put up with one of my crazy mood swings, nothing could please me, if he spoke I cried days. And on top of all of that, it wasn't just one day; it was Saturday AND Sunday. By Sunday evening we were much better (being in God's house probably helped). I hate when I'm like that. I never realize when I'm in the midst of a crazy lady day just how ridiculous I'm being, but after a few days when I look back I can see how silly I was. I have to ask Josh for forgiveness and do you know how much I hate that???? I never thought I'd have to ask him to forgive me, but we were in this marriage class the first few years of our marriage and the teacher said that we occassionally have to ask each other for forgiveness. I could ask anyone else to forgive me, but there is something about asking your spouse to forgive you. It's tough!!! Have you ever been there? Lately, my desire to have children has increased 100%. Initially, I just felt like we'll wait on God and see how things go. I can't even get three months into this whole trying to get pregnant thing before I'm like some crazy lady who desperately wants a baby. Now, each month when we find out we're not pregnant I feel devastated yet there's a little bit of relief. It's weird how I want a baby so badly, but then I'm a little relieved when I'm not pregnant. I know, I said earlier that I was a bit crazy:) Anyway, I start thinking about all that will change when we have a baby. We will never be the same. I know that with children come many blessings and I'm so excited and anticipating the day when we have a child, but at the same time I wonder if I'm really ready. What if Josh and I are sucky parents, what if we totally ruin our child, will I feel differently about Josh and will he feel differently about me? I get so fussy when I don't get enough sleep, will I be a wreck with a brand new baby??? There are so many questions!

Just an Update

I just want to say how good God is. Josh and I have been living in our house for a little over a week now. We had some wonderful friends and family help us paint and get all moved in. We have a longer commute, but that just gives me time to listen to Pastor Brad's messages that I've missed. Our church is further away now, but after this Sunday I know that it is totally worth the drive. The worship is amazing and I've missed it these past few weeks. I mostly enjoy my job, but I can't wait to be a stay-at-home-mom and I know God will provide so that can happen. Just when the bills started rolling in, we were truly truly blessed by my amazing parents. We have so many wonderful people in our lives and they are all such a blessing to us. I know God has blessed us with the wonderful people in our lives and had He not blessed them, they would not be able to bless us. A new house is such an exciting and daunting thing. I have to keep telling myself to "be anxious for nothing". I literally say it out loud sometimes. I even ask God, "how am I not supposed to be anxious or worried about owning a house"? It's a struggle, everyday!

I've always said that God is good, but now I'm truly experiencing his goodness and blessing. Not that I wasn't before, I just think now I can appreciate it so much more. I find that I am so much more appreciate of my family now that I'm older. I wish we lived closer to my family in Texas, but then we'd live far away from our family here. My grandpa has this scripture memorization program that I think all of the grandchildren have started. I've never finished it, but after visiting them a few weeks ago I've started up again. I've got the first three down and I'm working on the next three. I want the Word of God to be in my heart more now than it has been.

I'm focusing on my prayer life more now. I started reading a book on prayer by Joyce Meyer and so far it is great! I'm praying that the Lord would teach me how to pray they way He wants me to. I want a heart like His and I want to ask and believe for GREAT things!!

We're still working on the baby thing. I figure it will happen in God's timing. He has placed the desire for children in my heart and I know he wouldn't give me that desire unless he was going to provide the way also.

I'm having kind of a rough day at work, so I thought I should take a minute and think/write about how good God is to pep me up. I prayed this morning that He would help me to be different from everyone else at work and He has already started on that:) I guess how I handle stress is the best example of Christ in me, huh?

We're Homeowners......

Okay, so we just got the keys to our house yesterday. My husband took the day off, so he could do some work and when I got off work I started taping off the trim so we could do some painting. I know that I should be excited about having our very own house, but I'm not. I feel incredibly blessed to have our own house, but there are so many other emotions I'm feeling. I'm anxious about making the mortgage payment, all the extra bills we'll have, all the stuff we have to buy for the house, and the list goes on. I know God has blessed us with this house, at this time for a reason. He has more than provided for us, I have no reason to be concerned or worried. I feel like just when I get to a point of complete trust in God, he stretches/pushes me for more. It's like He is saying, I don't want you to get too comfortable so I'm going to push you a little more. I don't want to be pushed, I like things just the way they are. The problem is that I keep praying for the Lord to increase my faith in Him. I want to know that no matter what, I will trust Him and lean on His promises. I used to look around our little 800 sq. ft. apartment and think we were so blessed, now we have a house and I can see even more blessing. God is so good, better than I know or deserve. Just 4 years ago, I didn't even know Josh, I was living at home, not really sure of where my life was going. I have come so far in such a relatively small amount of time. I'm so excited to see where the next 4 years takes us.

After writing this, I'm feeling more excited about the house. I think I just needed to put my feelings on paper (so to speak). Just putting it out there has made me feel better.

Month One is a Bust....

So, my intuition about getting pregnant in month one is a bust. Maybe it was just my incredible desire to have a baby that got the best of me. We'll just keep trying I guess. We have a vacation planned to Texas in August. It's a family vacation, so we might be waiting until month 3:)

In other, more exciting news we did the walk through on our house last Friday. Josh was sick, but he made it through without vomiting. We signed all of the papers, so now we're just waiting to get the keys later this week. This house has been our dreams turned reality. We have wanted a house since before we were married. Josh has lived in the same little house since he was born, then we lived in an apartment after we got married up until now. Sometimes, I can't believe that God sees us as worthy of all this blessing. He is so good and is so much better to Josh and I than we deserve. I've had to place all my worries, frustrations, and desires in His hands and although I take them back and hold them for myself sometimes; He is always there to take them back when I'm ready. Everyday and sometimes more than once a day I have to give God everything. It is a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle:)

We have some great friends who are moving to Portland in a few months and Josh and I have thought and prayed about going with them. I would love a change of scenery, and to be away from our family. Please don't get me wrong. I love our families dearly, but until you have children no one considers us a family of our own. It would be nice to establish traditions of our own, but I know I would miss my parents dearly if we were away from them. I have told Josh, that if he says we go, then we go. It does seem a bit ironic that we've become such good friends with people who are moving. I wonder if that is a sign:) I'll do what he thinks is best for us. He is the spiritual leader of our home and I trust that God speaks to him; I pray he does. So, we'll see what the future holds for us, especially since we're just moving into our house. I'll have pictures up soon.

Baby Making:)

Well, this is my first month not on birth control for about 4 years. I was kinda worried that I might be different somehow. My husband has only know me on these make me crazy pills. Lately I had been feeling like I was completely out of control with my emotions. Josh could say just about anything and I would find a reason to cry or have my feelings hurt in some way. I really was out of control. I had been praying that God would help me to have self control (a fruit of the spirit, so I should have it) so I could put my emotions in check. I would have a day or two where, if I really concentrated, my emotions would be under my control but then I would slide back down again to complete crazy. I know being emotional is a woman thing, but this was out of hand. I was also feeling like it was time to have a baby, so it all worked out for me to not be on these pills. I know some women can be on these pills for years and have no problems, but it just wasn't working for me.
I went to the doctor and got the all clear for baby making! Josh is a bit apprehensive and he says he doesn't want us to TRY to have a baby, just to let it happen when it happens. While I know that all of this is entirely in God's hands, how am I supposed to not TRY? We'll see. I definitely feel so much better, not being on the pill. I feel like if I'm upset about something, I could choose not to cry. I am feeling pretty tired, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the pill or not.
I've been so intrigued by my blogger friends with infertility woes. Everything about it is so interesting to me. I pray that I don't have to go through that, but I also pray that they would have strength and peace to make it through this difficult time. I really felt like I would get pregnant the first month off the pill and while that can still happen, I'm beginning to doubt that. I know God will bless us with a little one at the perfect time, but I pray it is soon. I'm hoping Josh will have a change of heart and actually want us to TRY and have a baby. I know it's more fun to not try really. I guess I'll find out next week if my first month feeling was right or not.

We've made it 3 years!!

So yesterday was my 3rd wedding anniversary with Josh. We had a wonderful evening. I had been thinking (because Josh led me to) that we were just going to a nice restaurant and Josh forgot to make reservations at the Melting Pot. I really wanted to go to the Melting Pot, because I had heard such great things about it. He wouldn't tell me where we were going as we were driving. I had never been to the Melting Pot so I didn't even know where it was really. I was so very excited when we drove up and I saw the sign! There were flowers at our table and a sweet anniversary card. We had a great dinner, although we were there 3 hours. The food was delicious, especially the chocolate:) I'll have to put some pictures up on here, as soon as I figure out how:)

Looking back on our 3 years, I realize that I've come to love Josh more and more. I love him more than when we got married. I've come to see what an amazing man he is, and I can see that he's going to be a great father someday. Now that we are starting year 4 of our marriage, it's exciting to see where we'll be. We lived in 3 apartments so far, and now we're purchasing a house. We've purchased 2 cars. God has just blessed us in every aspect of our lives. Just when I think that things are totally messed up and going down hill, He helps me to see that He is in control. It's kind of a hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one. I'm so excited to see what is in store for us in the future.

A Great Weekend

Josh and I had a great 4th of July weekend. We went over to a friends' house and played games. We met Becky and Naomi who are just fun girls to hang out with. We stayed at my parents' house since they were on vacation, to watch the dogs. I never mind staying at my parents' house, I don't know how much Josh likes it. I always feel very comfortable there and I enjoy being with the dogs. I was telling Josh how much I like having the dogs to come home to. I love that they are just so excited to see me! I told Josh, he could learn from them and be that excited when I come home:)

I had some major issues with my new OB/GYN. I really like the doctor, but when it came to filling my prescriptions they were a mess. They ended up sending me the wrong prescriptions (I use the mail order pharmacy thing) and I was going to have to pay $150 for the wrong medications! I was so angry and no one called me back for 3 days. Finally the office administrator called and told me he was going to send me a check for the amount of the prescriptions. He even gave me his cell phone number. After hearing from him, I kinda felt bad for calling so many times and leaving very direct messages. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll go back. I just want to have a great doctor, especially when I get pregnant and I know I'll be spending a lot of time in their office.

This past week, I've learned that I need to trust God more. I thought I had it all together, but then I started stressing about the prescription issue I mentioned. I had to keep telling myself to trust that God will take care of it. I think He brings us to that place of trust even when we think we've got things under control. Just when I thought I trusted Him completely, He shows me I can always trust Him more. He helps us to see that He loves us so much and He wants nothing but the best for His children. I love how God is so good. I felt a bit guilty after everything was resolved with the doctor's office. I felt like I should have known everything would work out. I'll just keep trying to do better.

A New Day

So, Monday night I just wasn't feeling like myself. Whenever my husband would talk to me or touch me I felt like crying and I did sometimes. It was like I was having a pity party. I knew I was sad, but I wasn't sure what about. Have any of you been there? Please, please tell me I am not crazy to be crying and not know why! In all honesty, I think there were a ton of reasons for me to be crying, but each on it's own was not enough. All of the little reasons kind of ganged up on me and I was a wreck.

While I love Josh dearly, I sort of felt like something was wrong with me. He would say that it wasn't normal for me to be crying and not know why. I kinda felt like I was crazy! He even mentioned medication. That sort of shocked me, I know I'm emotional but that seemed like it was a bit much. I know I'm not crazy and I know that almost every woman has had days where you just want to cry and don't know exactly why, right? So after having my little pity party, I was feeling better yesterday.

I keep thinking that God has to be allowing me to go through these difficult times for a reason. It's like everyday I have to place my trust in Him. I can't just do it once and be done. That's a hard lesson to learn.

Feeling a little down today:(

So today, I'm feeling just not myself, maybe a bit depressed. Have any of you out there ever felt like God has left you? I know He hasn't, but sometimes I feel like it. Last October my husband and I left our previous church to start attending a new church. We love our new church and all of the people, but I have just one little problem. Josh my husband wants to work with the youth, he's been asked a few times by one of the youth pastors. I just don't have that desire, I don't feel the passion to work with the youth. I know that if I do it, I'll be bitter about it and the kids don't deserve that. I guess I kind of feel like I'm at a different place in life. I'd like to be more involved in the praise and worship ministry. I'm not sure what I want to do, I'll have to think on that. There are new things that I want US to do TOGETHER. Maybe that's the problem, it's what I want and maybe not what God wants. When we were at our old church we were very involved with the youth group and I kinda felt the passion dwindling away toward the end. I just want Josh and I to be involved in an area where we both can be a blessing to others and do it together.

Our pastor recently did a series on your spiritual pulse- purpose. Does anyone out there know their purpose? I know that my purpose is to some day be a blessing to my children, but since they are not here yet, what is my purpose?

We are both involved with the praise and worship team, which is nice because most times we're scheduled to be on at the same time. Josh is also involved with cleaning once a month and I bake once or twice a month for the cafe. As soon as Josh mentioned working with the youth, this panic comes over me. I know that youth ministry can be consuming and Josh is not good at saying no. I guess I have to come to the place where I trust that God will help Josh to see when it's too much. Being a supportive wife is so hard sometimes. Especially when you feel bitter, angry, and dare I say jealous.

Baking for my neighbor:)

So yesterday Josh and I went to the grocery store, like we do every Sunday, and I had a coupon to use if I bought 2 brownie mixes. I normally bake every 3rd Sunday for the cafe at church and I thought I could make something with the brownie mixes. When we came home we saw our neighbor leaving his apartment. We said hi and kept going up the stairs, but right when we were about to go in our door he asked me to bake something for his friend that is in town and has 3 boys. While I love baking, it was about 7pm Sunday evening when he made this request and I work during the week so baking is normally a thing for the weekend only. I do love baking and enjoy doing it, especially when I don't have to keep what I've baked (I'll just eat it all!). I told Josh that I would probably just "forget" his request and go about my week. I should probably give you a bit of background on my baking history for this neighbor.

He's an older guy, lives alone, and has a few girlfriends. We've heard a few of their arguments on the balcony. It's like a soap opera, quite entertaining. Last Christmas I thought I would do some baking for our 4 neighbors to be nice and honestly to be a witness to them (and because there are a few I don't like and I thought this would help me to feel better about them). I gave my baking neighbor some cookies and he told me what a great baker I was. Since then, he's asked me a few times to bake him something if he had someone in town. I don't mind doing this for him, when it's convenient for me and I have the ingredients. The last time he asked me to bake him some cookies, I did, and then he ended up getting in a fight with his visitor (one of a few girlfriends) so I don't know what happened to the cookies. I must say I was thankful that he later brought my container back and some flowers. I even got a hug from him. While this may seem a bit creepy, I really think that in my own way I'm showing him the love of Christ.

Back to last night; I was tired, had done 4 loads of laundry and needed to fold them, and had to make dinner, dust and mop. I was in no mood to bake for my neighbor. Then I remembered Pastor Mark's sermon earlier that day. His sermon was on doing something to reach out to our community, neighbors, the people we work with. He had specifically mentioned baking cookies for our neighbors. I remembered the extra brownie mix I had and I had everything to make the brownies and frosting. It wasn't convenient for me and I was tired, but I knew I needed to do this. It wasn't homemade, but it was still baking for my neighbor. I hope to have the opportunity to speak with him about Jesus and maybe my baking is just one way to soften his heart and prepare the way for me to tell him about Jesus. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways and maybe my baking is just that.

Desperately Desiring.......

So these past few weeks I've been desperately desiring a baby. When Josh and I first got married, I wasn't that interested in having a baby. In fact, I thought that I'd be okay if we never had one. So, nearly 3 years later I feel this incredible desire to have a baby. Throughout our marriage Josh and I have never had this desire at the same time, so it worked out for us to wait. Now, I just want one so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I look at baby stuff online when I have spare moments, I dream about having a baby, about being pregnant and feeling the little movements within me. I know it won't be easy once the baby is here, definitely not as easy as things are now and that makes it hard too. Josh isn't as enthusiastic about it as I am. He's definitely worried about the financial aspect. I am too, but I guess I'm not that worried.

I also have this incredible desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know that if I had a baby today we wouldn't be able to do that. I have reminded God a number of times of this desire, my heart's desire. I want to be able to enjoy that special time with my child and to be a blessing to the baby and my husband that I wonder if I could be if I had to work at my current job. I wonder if I'd be crying and distracted if I had to have a normal job and not the special job I feel called to at home. It's like this yearning and purpose that I feel I need to do by staying home with our children. Our pastor had done a series at church about finding our purpose and I told Josh that I really felt my purpose was to be a stay-at-home-mom. I know it might sound weird, but I know in my heart that it's true. The kicker in all this is for Josh and I to have enough faith in God and trust Him that His will will be done and not mine. At this point I want a baby so bad that if I have to work, I guess I'll figure it out. But then I wonder if I'm doubting God when I think that way. It's like I've already determined in my heart that He'll provide a way, then I sort of give myself a way out of trusting Him. God has never let me down, and I know He never will, so why do I doubt the plan that I feel He has placed in my heart?

I'm sure Josh and I will never feel 100% ready for a child. I don't think anyone ever does. We've had friends tell us that if we wait until we're financially ready, we'll never have kids. I just want to do the right thing and it seems like trusting God with all that I am is the only way to have peace. I guess that's what I'll do.

Mother-In-Law Weekend

So, this weekend Josh was working since they were having a big sale at Lexus. For Mother's Day we gave my mother-in-law a pedicure. I told her we would go together the Saturday after Mother's Day. I called her Saturday morning and arranged it all. She asked if I minded that we do some other running around while we were out. I went to her house and we did the pedicures first. On the way there, she asked me if I remembered giving her a gift card for a manicure/pedicure for her birthday last year. I had told Josh the day before that I bet she hadn't used it. And indeed, she still had the gift card, so she used it for her pedicure and I took her to lunch for her Mother's Day gift. After the pedicures, which she loved by the way, we went to lunch at Mimi's and then to the mall to get my father-in-law some new shoes for his birthday. All in all, the day went really well. Her and I have never ever spent so much time together and alone at that. I must admit that we don't have the same taste, so it's a little difficult when she asks if I like something that she really likes and I just don't. I hope this is the beginning of the bitter feelings being over. I hate feeling like I don't like people, especially when they haven't really done any wrong against me they're just different people.
On a baby note, Josh and I had decided a month or so ago that this month would be my last month of the pill and we would start trying for the baby starting next week. Well, we bought a house (or are in the process of buying a house) last week. Now he's having some doubts about trying for the baby. So many people say that if you're waiting until your financially ready to have a baby, you never will. I want more than anything to be a stay-at-home-mom and right now, I know we couldn't do it. But I believe God has placed that desire in me and when He placed that desire in me He had to make a way for it to come to pass. Now that we're buying a house, it seems even more of an impossibility but I serve a God that can do the impossible. So, I have an appointment with the gyn. in two weeks and we decided to wait until I get the all clear from her to go ahead and start the baby making process. I guess it's a compromise, one more month. I think it will work out ok, since then we'll be married for almost exactly 3 years.

Exciting News!!!

Josh and I are buying a house!! This will be our first house ever and we are so very excited. We signed the paperwork yesterday and hopefully the house will be ready in August. We've been looking for a house since before we got married and I guess it just wasn't the right time for us until now. I'm so glad that God's timing is perfect, even when I question it. Everything just kinda fell into place for us to get this house, we really didn't have to put forth much effort other than signing hundreds of papers:) I really feel like this is a new chapter in our lives and I'm so looking forward to it. Hopefully there will be a baby next......

On another note, I don't know if there are any of you girls out there with MIL issues. Mainly IL issues. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and I still don't think they like me. I keep praying that God will help me to love them like He loves them, but it's just not happening. Josh's dad's birthday is this weekend and since everyone has stuff going on, the only day we could all get together is Thursday and that is the day that I have worship team practice at church. While I don't want them to rearrange their plans just for me, it would be nice for his mom to say that she really wants me to be there. Part of me thinks that she just wants her boys back under her wing and no daughters-in laws allowed. I really struggle with this. Josh says that his mom loves me, but she never calls me and I kinda want her to be the one to open up to me. I've called her a few times, but I never really have much to talk about. When she talks to Josh, it's like he's her baby and I'm just in the background. We're talking about trying to get pregnant soon and I can't imagine what things are going to be like then. I guess I'm partly to blame for this whole thing. I just don't feel like I belong in his family and I love my family very much and have a great relationship with my mom. Josh's brother, Tim, has a girlfriend that he lives with who seems to have a really good relationship with my MIL and I'm sort of jealous. His girlfriend has family issues and so she vents to my MIL her problems and I just don't need to do that or care to do it. I'm taking my MIL for pedicures this weekend so I'll let you know how that goes. Anyone out there like this??? Am I crazy???

Frustrated!

Bible Study

So, I went to my regular Tuesday night Bible Study last night. I have to admit that I was beginning to feel like this Bible Study wasn't for me. It was a little discouraging because everyone else would say how much they loved it and I was like, really? Well last night was for me. Kay Arthur was speaking and she really hit home. I know we all sin and we all ask forgiveness, but I sometimes don't realize what I'm doing is sin. For example, obviously lying is sin. Would you consider not trusting God as sin? I would have said it wasn't sit before last night, but Kay Arthur said that not having faith in God is sin. I sort of cringed when she said that. That really hit home. I've been struggling with faith for years. It's something I've never felt like I've mastered. I don't know if you ever do, but I know God has been trying to speak to me about having complete faith in Him, even when I don't understand what is going on.

I got home and told my husband about all I had learned and he too was a little surprised at what I had learned. Who thinks of sin like that? We all know murder, stealing, lying, etc. are sins, but not having faith? And then to top it all off Kay says that when we sin, we despise God and His Word. WOAH! I don't know what I signed up for, but it was not this:) This just gives a whole new look to what sin looks like to me. It was definitely a wake up call and I haven't had one of those in a while.

Just another day.......

So, after seeing so many great and interesting blogs I thought I'd give it a try. It's supposed to be therapeutic right?? A little about me:
*I've been married to a wonderful man, Josh, for almost 3 years. He pretty much rocks my world!
*We live in a 1 bedroom apartment and so would like to have a house.
*We (mostly me) want to have a baby so very much. Hopefully it will happen this year. It's like I'm craving a baby:)
*I love God with everything in me, He makes going through this life so much easier.
*I love my new friends at Desert Springs Church, they make me feel so loved every time I see them.
*I really enjoy my job, but my dream is to be a stay at home mom.
*I'm really working on trusting God in every aspect of my life. I know He has great things in store for Josh and I.
*I struggle with having both sets of parents being so close to us sometimes, while I love them I sometimes wish we weren't so close (in proximity, is that terrible?).

So I'm really going to try and keep up with this. It will be a good thing, I'm sure.