Starting Over

I think I'm starting to feel better today. In fact I'm perfectly fine as long as I don't think or talk about "it". Josh is making me laugh, which I love:) Some wonderful friends came over and brought us lunch and chatted with us today. I'm doing laundry, I guess thats a good sign:)

We didn't go to church today. I'm not ready to see people and have them tell me they're praying for me. I know they are and reading their e-mails is so encouraging, but any time someone tells me they're praying for me I know why and it just makes me sad. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if I ever will be. I feel better when Josh and I talk about it and I cry about it and then I'm ok. Maybe I just want to keep it as a private thing for now (other than this blog, the venting on the computer helps and maybe it will help someone else). Hopefully someday I'll be able to talk about this and be of help to some one else.

Josh has been AMAZING throughout this whole thing! He lets me cry and holds me and doesn't ask any questions or even talk to me. He just holds me and I think that is great. There's really not much to say, I've already said it all. You can only ask "why" so many times. He tells me how beautiful I am and what a wonderful woman I am and I can never hear that too many times. I'm so thankful for the wonderful man God has blessed me with.

This whole thing has been very hard to cope with, harder than I ever thought, harder than anything I've ever been through. It's very hard to not be angry with God, in fact I am very angry with God and I've shared my feelings with Him. My mom told me today not to be angry with God, but I really don't know how. I know, and every one says, that this all happens for a reason. I even said that to friends and family going through difficult situations. That phrase, "everything happens for a reason" is so not comforting. Maybe it will be comforting, but right now it's not. I know God has everything under control, but right now things feel totally out of control. I feel like God has walked away from me, now I know He hasn't but it sure feels that way. I've been praying for peace and telling God EVERYTHING! I've kept nothing from Him. Maybe that's something I needed to learn and never would have had this situation not happened. I know God is good and that He will give us the desires of our heart, someday.