Giving Thanks

This year Thanksgiving was a bit rough as I'm sure you can imagine. I had a hard heart at first I guess you could say. All I was thinking was that this was supposed to be a happy time for us, a time to enjoy our families and be reminded that this would be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I was reminded a lot of our miscarriage this weekend. I love Thanksgiving and being with family, but at the same time it was hard. No one said anything about "it", but I know it was on their minds and hearts. My mom and I went shopping at Kohl's on black Friday and as we waited in an hour long line to check out we passed by the baby section ever so slowly. Normally, even if I wasn't pregnant, she would look lovingly at the small clothes and cute outfits and tell me what she would buy for "her baby". This time as we passed the baby section, she didn't say a word. I don't think she even looked at the clothes unless it was when I wasn't paying attention. I know we were both thinking how nice it would be to purchase baby items and look at the cute clothes knowing we'd be having a baby in June. God had different plans for us. Josh mentioned to me the other day that maybe we were allowed to be pregnant for that short time so we would know without a doubt that it was not time for us to go to Portland. If that was the case, I wish He would have found a better way to tell us but I know He ultimately has better things in store for us.

I've read many blogs and researched miscarriages a lot over the past few weeks. I've read about so many women and the hurt they go through. I remember reading about a woman who became very bitter when she would see other pregnant women or women with newborns. I had thought and prayed that I wouldn't be that way. When our friends Jake and Rachel first came over after our diagnosis I was nervous to see how I'd be with their new baby. As soon as I saw her I knew that I would never be bitter or jealous. She is such a sweet baby and I feel so special that I've been able to hold her and see her smile. In a way, I feel a sense of relief. I know that must sound awful, but I wonder if our baby would have been born with special needs or disabilities that would have been very difficult to handle. I wonder if maybe we just weren't ready. It's my heart's desire to not only be a mom but to be a stay-at-home mom and maybe things weren't going to work out for that to happen. I don't know the reason God has and honestly there is no reason that would have comforted me then. I'm amazed at how quickly I've been able to talk about it without crying and how good I feel. I'm absolutely scared for our next pregnancy but I'm open to the idea. From the beginning of my pregnancy I had told God that this child was His and I can't go back on that. I placed our little peanut in His hands and there's no better place for him to be. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for all of the prayers, words of encouragement and sweet letters/e-mails we've received. I truly believe that it is because you all cared to much for us that we're able to get through this and be more than conquerers. I know God loves us and I'm placing my life in His hands.